Friday, October 10, 2014

ROCCO's weekend guest....LEIGH PERRY!





Meow! My guest today is author Leigh Perry!

 Leigh Perry is Toni L.P. Kelner in disguise, or maybe vice versa. As Leigh, she writes the Family Skeleton mysteries, including the recently released The Skeleton Takes a Bow. As Toni, she’s the co-editor of New York Times best-selling anthologies with Charlaine Harris. Their most recent is Games Creatures Play. She’s also the author of the “Where Are They Now?” mysteries and the Laura Fleming series (all available as e-books and audiobooks), and an Agatha Award winner for short fiction. Leigh/Toni lives just north of Boston with her husband and fellow author Stephen P. Kelner, Jr., their two daughters, and two guinea pigs.

R: Welcome, Leigh! Tell us a little about your background

L: I’m pretty boring, really. I grew up in northern Florida and North Carolina. I’m the youngest of four daughters. My degree is in English, and I worked as a technical writer for about a decade before quitting to be a fulltime mystery writer and fulltime stay-at-home mother. (Yes, that’s two fulltime jobs. Aren’t all parents in the same boat?)

As for my writing background, I’m kind of a split personality. Though The Skeleton Takes a Bow is only my second novel as Leigh Perry, I’ve been publishing mysteries as Toni L.P. Kelner since 1993. As Toni, I wrote eleven novels in two series plus a couple of dozen short stories, and co-edited seven anthologies with Charlaine Harris.

So I’m both a newbie and a old timer.


R: Tell us about the “Family Skeleton” series! It’s a hoot! Where did that idea come from?

L: Well, I was toying with the idea of a paranormal mystery series about ten years ago. Vampires were pretty much covered by my pal Charlaine and her Sookie Stackhouse books, and my pal Dana Cameron was doing a great job with werewolves in her Fangborn series. So I was trying to think of a supernatural denizen who wasn’t already being done well by somebody else. Others had done witches, genies, ghosts, angels, demons, druids, wizards… All that was left was skeletons.


R: What’s the plot of the latest “Skeleton’ novel?

L: First off, in case you haven’t read the first book or the back of this one, I should warn you that Sid the Family Skeleton is an actual walking, talking skeleton. He lives with his best friend Georgia, an adjunct English professor and single mother, and Georgia’s daughter Madison.

In The Skeleton Takes a Bow, he’s playing the role of Yorkick in Madison’s high school production of Hamlet, and when he’s accidentally left backstage overnight, witnesses a murder. He can’t exactly go to the police, and there’s no body found anyway, so he and Georgia have to find the killer themselves.

That’s the bare bones of the story, anyway. (See what I did there? Har!)


R: I get the idea Halloween might be a favorite holiday of yours.  What is and why?

L: I do love Halloween, though it has become a perilous time for me since I started writing Sid books. I cannot be allowed in a store alone in September or October, or I come home with more skeleton stuff. Last week I went to Target and bought a motion-activated wisecracking skeleton-in-a-coffin, Bone Appetite dish towels, a plastic cat skeleton, and a M&M fan thing I can’t even describe but which has a clear skeletal theme. Grocery store? Cheeto’s Bag of Bones and Halloween Oreos because one Oreo in five has a skull on it. Even the pet store has bone-themed items!

R: How do you “get to know” your characters before and while you’re writing the books?

L: Normally I kind of assemble pieces in my head until I know enough about the character that I can hear him or her in my head. (Ironic, since my actual hearing is dreadful.) Sometimes I have to start over, most often when the character isn’t interesting to me. I don’t do well with earnest people, for instance. I’m better with wiseacres.

Now, Sid broke that pattern. As soon as I got the idea for him, the voice and character were there, ready to go. Well, he is still a wiseacre.


R: How do you construct your plots? Do you outline or do you write “by the seat of your pants”?

L: Definitely a pantser. I have outlined, but when I do, I get really bored with the actual writing and feel constrained. Now I just zoom off in wild directions. Not all plot directions work, but that’s what the editing process is for, to make it seem as if I always knew exactly what I was doing.

R: Which do you consider more important, plot or character?

L: Character, without a doubt. Think of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson. Do you remember the majority of the plots of their stories? Do you even remember the solutions to the crimes? Nope, what we love and come back to are the characters.


R: What is the biggest challenge you’ve faced as a writer and what inspires you and keeps you motivated?

L: Having my first series end was sad, but I was really ready to move on just at the time the publisher was ready to no longer publish those books. So I started working on a new series, and that’s where I really had a hard time. It took forever to sell. The motivating part was knowing that I enjoyed writing better than anything else I’d ever done, and having a great support system of friends and husband.

The second challenge was having the second series cancelled? That hurt. A lot. I’d thought I was selling decently, but the numbers enough for the publisher to keep it going. But the payoff for that was my editor still believing in me. She bought the Sid books, and I’m having so much fun.

I figure if I made it through those two bad spells, I can make it through more.

R: What are you working on now and what are your future writing plans?

L: I’ve got one more Family Skeleton book under contract, and I’m working on it, but don’t want to say too much about it yet. And I’m hoping I’ll get a contract for more after that.

Otherwise, I’ve got a story coming out in a horror anthology, which was a first for me. I don’t know the publication date, but the book is Seize the Night, edited by Christopher Golden.

R: What is a typical workday for you and how many hours a day (or week) do you devote to writing?

L:That’s actually hard to answer. I’m always at the computer, either working or playing or doing email or researching. I don’t set hourly goals, but word count goals. When I’m working on a first draft, I try for 1,000 to 2,000 words a day—fewer at first as I’m getting going on a project, more as I get things moving and my deadline looms.

R: If you could take only three books with your for a year-long writing retreat in a gorgeous setting with no library, which three would you take?

L: The Lord of the Rings, which is three books in one. The Annotated Sandman, because it’s huge and so heavy that I haven’t finished it yet. Pride and Prejudice, so I can imagine Mr. Darcy coming out of the surf.


R: What advice do you have to offer to an aspiring author?

L: Read! Read in your genre, read other genres, read good stuff, read bad stuff, read fun stuff. The more words you absorb, the more sentence structure and plotting you internalize, the more you’ll be able to concentrate on the things that you bring to the table.


R: What question do you wish interviewers (like moi)  would ask? (And what’s the answer?)

L: What’s your bucket list of career goals?

I would love to be nominated for an Edgar—wining would be great, but just a nomination would be a joy to my heart. I want to be a GoH at Malice Domestic some day, and Bouchercon, too. Because I’m just that greedy. I want to hit the New York Times bestseller list with a novel. (I hit it with an anthology, but remember the greed part?) I would love to have a piece made into a movie or TV show that would involve me going to a red carpet opening.

But most important: to keep on being published. Awards, movies, bestsellers lists—all are gravy, and there will always be other authors who win more, become more famous, sell more books. That’s not winning the game. Winning the game is being able to keep on writing and keep on being published. 


Just for Fun:

Night or Day?
Night! I’m definitely a night owl.

Dog or Cat? (answer carefully)
Both. I have a skeletal dog named Femur and my new skeletal cat, Patty (short for Patella). In terms of live animals, I have joint responsibility for two guinea pigs: Spot and Clara.

Beach or Pool?
Both, if at all possible. But if I had to choose, the magic at Disney’s Beach Club Resort. It’s got this magic sand that doesn’t creep into your bathing suit, and is close to a great ice cream place. Best of both worlds!


Steak or salad?
Steak.

Favorite Drink? 

If you’re talking booze, frozen strawberry daiquiri. But for every day, Diet Dr. Pepper.

Favorite Book? 

As if I could pick just one! Um… Murder Must Advertise by Dorothy Sayers.

Favorite TV Series? 

Another toughie. Classic? Buffy the Vampire Slayer Current? Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. I’m a huge Joss Whedon fan.

Favorite Movie?

Argh! You’re killing me! Dirty Dancing and The Avengers.

Favorite Actor:

Benedict Cumberbatch

Favorite Actress:

Catherine Tate

Dirty Martini or Pina Colada?

I’ve never had either, but I am partial to drinks one can put umbrellas in, so I’ll go with the Pina Colada.

Hawaii or Alaska?

I’ve seen Alaska, which is glorious, so I’ll pick Hawaii so I can compare.


Finish this sentence:  If I could meet anyone in the world, past or present, it would be ___________________

Joss Whedon!


If I had just one wish, it would be_________________________________________

That I could find a method of weight loss/exercise that I actually enjoy.


If I could trade places with anyone in the world, it would be _______

Nobody, actually. I’m very content.

Thanks for a great interview, Leigh!


Folks, here’s where you can find Leigh/Toni:



Facebook: Leigh Perry Author and Toni L.P. Kelner Author

Twitter: ToniLPKelner and Family_Skeleton.

And now for the giveaway!

One lucky commenter will get to pick either a paperback of A Skeleton in the Family or The Skeleton Takes a Bow, or an Audible Audio download of either. You might get a skeletal item, too, because I have too many around the house.

Leave your name and email address in the comments section below.  For extra entries, you can:

Friend Toni or the Human on FB

Follow moi on Twitter @RoccoBlogger

Tweet or post on FB about this contest!

Winner will be chosen by random.org!

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Meow! Today we welcome author Carolyn Hart!

Carolyn Hart is the author of 55 novels. Her most recent titles are CLIFF'S EDGE and DEATH AT THE DOOR. Her 56th - GHOST WANTED, sixth in the Bailey Ruth ghost series - will be published in October. DON'T GO HOME, her 57th novel and 25th in the Death on Demand series, will be published in May.

LETTER FROM HOME, a stand alone novel set in Oklahoma, was published by Berkley in 2003. Gretchen Gilman is 13 in the summer of 1944 and working on the small town newspaper. Murder occurs on the street where she lives, changing her life forever. LETTER FROM HOME was nominated for the Pulitzer Prize by the Oklahoma Center for Poets and Writers at Oklahoma State University Tulsa. Letter from Home won the Agatha for Best Mystery Novel of 2003 and was a New York Times notable book.

Hart was one of ten mystery authors featured at the National Book Festival on the Mall in Washington D.C. in 2003 and again in 2007. In March 2004 she received the Arrell Gibson Lifetime Achievement Award from the Oklahoma Center for the Book. She has twice won the annual Oklahoma Book Award for best novel. In April 2004 she spoke at the Library of Congress in Washington D.C. on mysteries in American culture. She received the Ridley Pearson Award at Murder in Grove, Boise, Idaho, in 2005 for significant contributions to the mystery field. She has received the Lifetime Achievement Award and the Amelia Award from Malice Domestic. In 2014, she was named a Grand Master by the Mystery Writers of America.

Hart is a native of Oklahoma City, a Phi Beta Kappa journalism graduate of the University of Oklahoma, and a former president of Sisters in Crime. She is also a member of Authors Guild, Sisters in Crime, Mystery Writers of America, the International Crime Writers Association, the International Thrillers Association, and the American Crime Writers League. She taught professional writing in the University of Oklahoma School of Journalism from 1982-85. She is the author of 49 mysteries, winner of three Agatha Awards for Best Novel, two Anthonys and two Macavitys.

      And now...here's Carolyn!   
R: Welcome! Tell us a bit about yourself and how you became interested in writing!
I was a child during WWII and soon realized the importance of newspapers. I decided to be a reporter when I grew up. I worked on school newspapers and majored n journalism at the University of Oklahoma. I worked briefly as a reporter. After marrying and becoming I stay at home mom,I turned to fiction. I read mysteries and suspense and that’s what I wrote.
R:  Tell us about your Death on Demand series. Is the character of Annie based on anyone in particular?
The books are traditional mysteries set in a mystery bookstore which gives me the pleasure of talking about old and new mysteries. Annie is inspired by my daughter, Sarah, who always does her best and who loves to laugh.
R: Is the cat in the DD series based on a particular animal you were fond of?
 Yes. Blackie was an elegant, intelligent, imperious cat and I adored her.
R: What was it like to receive the “Grand Masters” award at the Edgars Dinner? Amazing. It was an honor I never expected to receive and I will always remember that evening as perfect in every way.
R: Tell us about your latest release!
 Actually I have two new books. Cliff’s Edge was released Aug. 8. I wrote it many years ago but it has just now been published in trade paperback and e-book by Oconee Spirit Press, a small press. It is a novel of love and treachery set in first century Rome. Ghost Wanted, the fifth in the Bailey Ruth series, will be published Oct. 7 in hardcover by Berkley. Bailey Ruth is a fun-loving redheaded ghost who returns to earth to help people in trouble. This time there dire deed occur at the college library. Bailey Ruth solves a murder and fans the flames of an old love affair and a new one.. 
R:  Do you have an “how I got my agent” story you’d like to share?
 I have been with my agent for 25 years and she was recommended by an editor. I love her dearly. 
How did you feel when you got the call your first novel had sold?
I wrote a mystery for girls’ and it won a contest to be published. It was a very exciting event for me. 
R: What’s a must have for you when you are writing?
 Chocolate. 
What aids the creative process?
Walking in the park.
R: If you had access to a time machine, which historical moment would you travel to and why?
Whern Gutenberg invented movable type. Because it changed the world.
R: What is one thing your readers would be most surprised to know about you?
There are three items always in my refrigerator, freshly cut fruit, Monterrey jack jalapeno cheese, and skim milk.
R: What is the craziest thing you've ever done?
Snuck out of my house in the middle of the night when I was about ten and walked a block to a friend’s house and opened the back door, then decided, hey, everybody’s asleep, I better go home.
R: What do you hope readers will most take away from your writing?
 Goodness matters.
R: What are you working on at the moment / next?
 I am in the middle of Bailey Ruth’s fall 2015 adventure.
R: Are you a plotter or a pantser?
 I do not outline. Wish I could. Not smart enough. What happens, happens.
R: Do you have any advice for beginning writers?
 1/You must be willing to fail if you ever want to succeed. 2/ If you don’t ask, no one can ever say yes. 
Thanks for a great interview, Carolyn!
Carolyn will offer a signed copy of Cliff’s Edge and a signed copy of Ghost Wanted and of Death at the Door to one lucky commenter!
To enter, leave a comment on this blog post with your name and email address (entries without email will be disqualified). For extra entries, you can do any or all of the below:

* Follow my blog (+ 1 point)
* Follow me on Twitter (+ 1 point) (Link: https://twitter.com/RoccoBlogger)
* Tweet about the contest (+ 1 point)
* Friend me on Facebook (+ 1 point) (Link: https://www.facebook.com/ToniLotempio)#!/
* Mention the contest on Facebook (+ 1 point)
* Mention the contest on your blog (+ 1 point)
Winner will be chosen at random using random.org.  Don’t forget to mention all you’ve done in your comment. Good luck!  contest open to US residents only, ends midnight, October 11.

Friday, October 3, 2014

ROCCO interviews author Debra Goldstein!


WELCOME TO THE BLOG! DEBRA H. GOLDSTEIN!

 



Judge, author, litigator, wife, step-mom, mother of twins, civic volunteer, and transplanted Yankee are all words used to describe Debra H. Goldstein.  Her writings are equally diverse. Maze in Blue, her debut novel, received a 2012 Independent Book Publisher (IPPY) Award and was reissued as a May 2014 selection by Harlequin Worldwide Mysteries. 

Her published and award winning short stories and non-fiction essays include Thanksgiving in Moderation, Who Dat? Dat the Indian Chief!, Legal Magic, Malicious Mischief, Grandma’s Garden, The Rabbi’s Wife Stayed Home, and Maybe I Should Hug You.  She lives in Alabama with her husband, whose blood runs crimson.

 

·       Welcome Debra! Tell us a little about your background

After graduating from the University of Michigan, I went to New York with two goals:  obtaining a job in publishing and getting on Jeopardy.  In case things didn’t work out, I also applied to attend law school.  Although I accomplished my goals, I opted to attend Emory University’s School of Law.  I specialized in labor litigation and after trying an equal pay case of first impression, Marshall vs. Georgia Southwestern, was appointed as one of the youngest federal Administrative Law Judges in the country. Juggling marriage, raising four children, and working put writing, except for boring legal pieces, on the back burner until 2009 when friends dragged me to the Alabama Writers Conference and challenged me to write creatively.  In 2010, an essay, Maybe I Should Hug You, won an AWC award and was published as More Hugs Less Fear by MORE Magazine online and I signed a book contract for Maze in Blue, a mystery set on the University of Michigan’s campus in the 1970’s.

 

·       Tell us a bit about your latest book

Harlequin Worldwide Mystery re-issued my 2012 IPPY Award winning book, Maze in Blue, as a featured May 2014 selection ( http://www.harlequin.com/storeitem.html?iid=51770 ) . For the past year, I have focused on writing short stories.  The most recent pieces will be included in The Killer Wore Cranberry: a Fourth Meal of Mayhem and Bake, Love Write (September/October 2014).  Other stories have appeared in the short story anthologies Mardi Gras Murder and It Was a Dark and Stormy Night and in periodicals that include The Birmingham Arts Journal, Mysterical-E, Bethlehem Writers Roundtable, and Alalit.com.  I am shopping a new manuscript, Should Have Played Poker:  a Carrie Martin and the Mah Jongg Players Mystery.

 

·       How do you “get to know” your characters before and while you’re writing the books?

I begin a book by making sketchy notes about each character and assigning the character a name. The name may change several times as I start writing dialogue and the character talks to me.  As I write, the voices of the characters in my head, tell me how far off I am from truly knowing their respective personalities and quirks.  If I don’t give in to what a character says, I find my writing becomes flat or non-existent.

 

·       How do you construct your plots?  Do you outline or do you write “by the seat of your pants?”

Once a character’s voice or name catches my attention, the beginning and the end of the plot usually comes to me.  I jot down a rough plot outline that captures the beginning and end of the book or story, but that is no more than a word or two for the middle chapters. At that point, I keep the general plotline in my head, but start writing by the seat of my pants and the voices of the characters. 

 

·       What is the biggest challenge you’ve faced as a writer and what inspires you and keeps you motivated?

Rocco, for me, the greatest challenge has been finding time to write.  I first put it off because of family and work obligations and then hid behind promotion and business related responsibilities after Maze in Blue was published. The result was that I wrote in spurts.  My best writing was done on vacations at the beach or anywhere I could sit and look at water.  Once I acknowledged that writing is the passion that truly fulfills me, I knew I had to get a better grasp on my time.  This past year, I stepped down from the bench to write.  It was a liberating, exciting, and frightening time.  Now, with all of the activities I am doing, I don’t know how I ever worked and wrote.  I wake up every day inspired and motivated to write, but my biggest challenge still is finding time to write – although I now do it even if I don’t have a water view.

 

 

·       You are also a judge – how has that career aided you in writing mysteries?

Judges have to listen carefully and evaluate credibility.  Although I never steal exact fact patterns or names from the cases I heard, my writing does reflect elements of the different types of people who came before me.  My subconscious filed their voices, expressions, and actions away, so I pull from there to give my writing a credible feel.  I also use the analytical skills I developed as a lawyer and judge to help me craft tighter plots.

 

·       You mention in your bio you moved to NY to try and get on Jeopardy – were you successful and if so, what was that like?

Successfully being a contestant on Jeopardy was one of the high points of my time in New York.  Being twenty-one and fresh out of college, I had no fear when I went to New York.  Consequently, when I went through the try-out testing for Jeopardy, I didn’t second guess myself or let myself be intimidated by the other people who were trying out.  When the show was taped, I was so gung-ho running a category before the first commercial that one of the show people actually told me “Smile, we’re giving you the money.”  Although I lost based upon the outcome of the final Jeopardy question (at least the contestant who beat me ended up being a five day champion), I would do Jeopardy again in a heartbeat.

 

·       What are you working on now and what are your future writing plans?

I recently completed the manuscript for Should Have Played Poker:  a Carrie Martin and the Mah Jongg Group Mystery; so, I am looking for a home for the book.  In addition to writing short stories in spurts, I have begun writing a more traditional mystery/women’s novel. 

 

·       What is a typical workday for you and how many hours a day (or week) do you devote to writing?

Sadly, I don’t have a typical workday.  I work in spurts.  At least once every two weeks, I focus on writing my personal every other Monday blog, “It’s Not Always a Mystery” (http://debrahgoldstein.wordpress.com ) and my blogs that are published on the 2nd and 4th Fridays for The Stiletto Gang (http://thestilettogang.blogspot.com/ ). Once I start writing, whether to a short story competition prompt or because I have an idea that has come to me from something I’ve seen, read, or heard, I simply write until the first draft is completed.  Consequently, I can write for 8-10 hours one day and not write anything the next.  I have yet to find a set time to be creative.

 

·       If you could take only three books with you for a year-long writing retreat in a gorgeous setting with no library, which three would you take?

A blank notebook that I could fill up, American Poetry and Prose, and either a Cherry Ames book or Damned if You Do, Damned If you Don’t.

 

·       What advice do you have to offer to an aspiring author?

Give in to your passion and write.  Whether you write on a daily basis or in spurts, you need to write, have the confidence to share your work with others, listen and grow from criticism, and be willing to rewrite and rewrite realizing that even your published works will never be perfect.

 

·       What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

My friends and family will tell you that I’m always coming up with something crazy to do, but it still surprised them when I walked away from being a judge to take a chance on writing.  To me, it was a logical decision that I carefully made.  Going to New York two days after graduation fully confident that I would get a publishing job and be accepted as a Jeopardy contestant was the craziest thing I’ve ever done.  Looking back, I now realize how improbable my chances of success were….but then it seemed so natural, and it was.

 

·       What’s one thing your readers would be surprised to find out about you?

Because my sense of humor comes through in my writing and speaking engagements, my readers would be surprised to find out that I am shy.

 

·       What question do you wish interviewers would ask you? (And what’s the answer?)

Do you believe life is planned or spontaneous?  I believe that people come into our lives and things happen for a reason, but that we each must be spontaneous in our reactions and that we have an obligation to help others without seeking reward or recognition.

 

·       Where can we learn more about you and your books?

For further information, check out my website at www.DebraHGoldstein.com , follow my blogs http://debrahgoldstein.wordpress.com and http://thestilettogang.blogspot.com , and follow me on Facebook ( https://www.facebook.com/MazeInBlue ), Linkedin, and Twitter (@DebraHGoldstein) .

 

Just for fun:

 

Night or day?   Night

Dog or Cat? (Answer carefully) – equal opportunity pet lover (ROCCO: Ha, ha good answer, meow!)

Beach or Pool – Beach

Steak or Salad – Chicken

Favorite Drink – Coca-Cola

Favorite Book – American Poetry and Prose

Favorite TV Series – Depends on the week, but this week it is a tie between NCIS and Property Brothers. 

Favorite Movie:  Giant

Favorite Actor:  Depends on when – I enjoy watching old movies and loved Rock Hudson in Giant and Magnificent Obsession, but today, depending upon their roles, I look for movies with Brad Pitt and George Clooney. 

 

Favorite Actress:  Same dilemma – Audrey Hepburn and Sandra Bullock.

 

Dirty Martini or Pina Colada?  Pina Colada  (sure I can’t have my coca-cola?)

 

Hawaii or Alaska:  Hawaii

 

Finish this sentence:  If I could meet anyone in the world, past or present, it would be ______ Golda Meir.

 

If I had just one wish, it would be____ world peace, oh, wait a minute, that’s the Sandra Bullock influence….probably happy and successful lives for my children.

 

If I could trade places with anyone in the world, it would be _____  my kids, who don’t know how good they’ve got it.

 

List all the places readers can fine you:  (see answer given above)

 

Debra will be glad to offer two random giveaways to people who leave comments – 1) a print copy of the Harlequin version of Maze in Blue and 2) to a second winner, a print copy of The Killer Wore Cranberry:  a Fourth Meal of Mayhem.

 

To enter, leave your comment and email address in the comments section of this blog.  Please mention which book you would like to receive.  Winner will be selected by random.org. Contest closes midnight, October 8!

 

For extra entries, you can do any or all of the below:

 


* Follow my blog (+ 1 point)
* Follow me on Twitter (+ 1 point) (Link:
https://twitter.com/RoccoBlogger)
* Tweet about the contest (+ 1 point)
* Friend me on Facebook (+ 1 point) (Link:
https://www.facebook.com/ToniLotempio)#!/

* Mention the contest on Facebook (+ 1 point)
* Mention the contest on your blog (+ 1 point)

 

 

 

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Back to the Blog - Mary Janice Davidson (and an EXCLUSIVE chapter from Undead and Unwary!)


ROCCO here!
Once again, our good friend Mary Janice Davidson has come through, with an exclusive sneak peek at a chapter from the newest Betsy book, UNDEAD AND UNWARY!  HERE’S MJ:
Thanks ROCCO! A big meow to you!
Here’s a sneak preview from my new release, UNDEAD AND UNWARY.  In it our heroine, Betsy, is once more struggling with her responsibilities as a wife, daughter, queen, roommate, sort-of godmother to weird baby twins, and hellspawn overlord.  It’s not going well.  Not too spoilery, though!  (Some mild pottymouth.) 
CHAPTER TWELVE
            There’s this thing that happens in books and movies when the heroine (moi) stumbles across something weird (my entire post-death life, and also senior prom) and can’t figure it out (all the time, any of the time) and is a slave to being overwhelmed (like that time my dentist kept hounding me to come back so he could finish the root canal, that guy was obsessed with teeth). 
And every time, every damn time, this idiotic, often pointlessly gorgeous heroine, for whatever dumbass reason (afraid others won’t like her, afraid others will notice she’s turning into a slavering zombie, afraid she’ll get audited, afraid they’ll stop inviting her to parties, afraid she’ll be deported, afraid she’ll get slapped—and by this point, the audience is itching to slap the silly bitch), every time, she keeps it all to herself until the mysterious secret in question blows up in her face.  Blows up in everyone’s faces. 
The terrible secret, now hideously exposed, nearly gets her killed or straight up gets her killed (if you’re like me, you’re actively rooting for her miserable death by now).  If it miraculously doesn’t, it’s only because it’s the end of the movie when she explains to everyone what the hell’s been going on and, weirdest of all, they don’t fall upon her and murder her in a fit of “why didn’t you say anything, you dim bimbo?” rage.
Every.  Damn.  Time.  Go on.  Test my theory.  Stream a handful of horror movies and watch how stupid the heroine is.  It’s almost as bad as sci-fi movies featuring scientists who are just.  So.  Dumb (*cough* Helix *cough*). [1]
Not this idiot heroine, boys and girls.  Nope.  I pretty much always know when something is over my head and can’t wait to fob it off onto someone else.  This has been a habit of mine since...oh, about first grade.  I have always owned my uselessness.  Which is why I’d been avoiding the Anti-Christ like I was getting paid.  But acknowledging my complete uselessness for a job didn’t always mean I should avoid the job.  I’m bad at washing dishes by hand, too, but when the dishwasher broke...hmm.  I’m not sure who handled that.  I know we started using plastic cups for smoothie time, and there were a lot of explanations from individuals about why it wasn’t their problem, and then threats, but if I’d had to, I would have stepped up.  Same with pledges to younger sibs and otherworldly realms. 
The time for cowardly scurrying into corners was over.  Now was the time for cowardly scurrying into a realm I knew nothing about and had no business running.
Right, then.  To Hell!  But in a good way! 
Laura, who never flaunted her abilities, simply walked out of the kitchen where she presumably vanished.  Or kept walking out until she got back out to her car; I dunno, I hadn’t even noticed when she’d arrived.  Not my job.  I, on the other hand, since my middle name should have been Flaunt, gave my pals a cheery wave.  “I’m off!  Don’t wait up.”  As exit lines went, it was lame, but I hadn’t had a lot of prep time.
Then I dramatically disappeared.
Except not. 
I’d thought this was mind-over-matter, I had gotten myself back from Hell just by thinking about it a few weeks ago.  (Maybe it had worked more because of my desperation to get away from the Ant, the worst spirit guide ever.)  But I was still in the mansion, dammit, while Laura was probably half way (or all the way) to Hell by now, and several of my alleged loved ones were trying not to smirk.  The babies, at least, were respectfully silent except for the occasional milk-snore.
“Well.”  I took a long look around the kitchen.  “That was anti-climactic.”
            “Perhaps the objects on which you focus your no-doubt formidable concentration?” Sinclair began in a helpful murmur that barely held back his snicker.
            Of course!  Dorothy’s shoes!  I left the kitchen, came back, hollered, “Okay, bye!  Again!”, darted back down the hall and up the stairs, then all but flew into my room.  If I wanted to get back and forth from Hell—and I did, I wasn’t going to be an exchange student and live there, and I sure wasn’t going to do the Hell equivalent of lunch at my desk—I needed to focus. 
            In other words, I needed  Dorothy’s silver shoes from The Wizard of Oz.  The enchanting book, not the terrifying movie.  I kept them in my closet, in the safe along with my marriage certificate (and gawd, Sinclair had bitched about that incessantly, saying we were already married in the eyes of the undead which meant, as you can imagine, jack crap to me), my (useless?  maybe?) social security card, and some of Sinclair’s paperwork, I dunno, looked like stock certificates and stuff.  JPMorgan Chase stock was worth a lot, right?  Especially when you bought it in 1950, when it was Western Union?  And Coca-Cola stock from 1919 at $40 a share had probably aged well, too.  Wait, how old was my husband again?  Maybe his dad had really liked Coke.
            No time for distractions, dammit, and no time for paper millions or government-issued I.D.; I needed something much more valuable.  I tapped in the code (SINK LAIR SUKS) and popped the safe, spotted the gleaming beauty of my unreal shoes, yanked them out, then slammed the door before the baggie of—diamonds?  did diamonds even come in red?—could fall out. 
            No time to get distracted by pretty colors; I had to get focused on my pretty shoes.  They weren’t really there, you know.  They weren’t real.  They were my will, a piece of my wanting made solid by...what?  I didn’t know.  Magic, I guessed (note the lack of K in magic, please).  Or science so advanced and beyond my understanding it might as well be magic.
It goes like this:  as a card-carrying member of undead royalty, I could travel back and forth between dimensions.  Hell, it seemed, was one such dimension. 
Wait.  I’ve got to back up.  It wasn’t just because I was a vampire, or any of the hundred thousand (or however many there were; we were still working on a census) vampires on the planet would be zipping back and forth to Hell.  I could do it because my half-sister was the Anti-Christ.  Which made no sense, because we were related through our father, an ordinary man who was now dead.  Whoever my half-sister’s mother was should have zero effect on my other-worldly abilities. 
See?  It’s like I’ve been warning for ages.  Any attempt to apply logic to this supernatural stuff was pointless.  Not that I didn’t try.  Okay, I didn’t try.  But I thought about trying.  Sometimes.
Anyway, some of the religions were right, Hell was a real place.  (Which called into question:  which religions?  And if some of them were “right”, did that mean others were “wrong”?  Also I was using quotation marks too much.)  Not one near the planet’s core, but an actual place nonetheless, one hardly anyone got to until they died.  Except lots of dead people didn’t go there.  They went somewhere else (heaven?  Dairy Queen?) or didn’t go anywhere (hung out where they’d died, occasionally tracked me down to demand favors, and those were just the ones I knew of for certain).  The whole thing was migraine-inducing. 
            But knowing this, any of this, wasn’t enough.  It can be tough work, overcoming a lifetime of conditioning which assured me, over and over, that I could not teleport, Hell wasn’t a job share, every bit of my afterlife was over my head, and knowing there is life after death solves little and explains exactly nothing.
            Thus: the shoes.  The pinnacle of my ambition, the Holy Grail of footgear, Dorothy Gale’s silver shoes.  Not ruby red, mind you.  In the book, they were silver.  MGM mucked with that because a) it’s inherent in movie people to muck with great books (*cough* My Sister’s Keeper *cough*) and b) red = pretty!  Honestly, movie people should just get it over with and have “Now I am become Death, destroyer of worlds” printed on their business cards.
            I slipped them on and, because they weren’t real, they fit me perfectly and didn’t pinch even a little bit.  Then I clicked my heels three times and murmured with wide, hopeful eyes, “There’s no place like Hell, there’s no place like Hell, there’s no place like Hell” except not really.  Once I had the focus, I didn’t need magic words.  I thought, This is so, so stupid.  I can’t believe this even works.  And shut my eyes.
            And, a second later, opened them in Hell.
UNDEAD AND UNWARY releases October 7, 2014.  www.maryjanicedavidson.net  https://www.facebook.com/maryjanicedavidson
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[1] I’m aware nobody does the *cough* thing anymore.  Shut up.